A Matter of Perception

Overwhelmed By Stuff

You know that show Hoarders? They chronicle the lives and homes of people who compulsively keep things they don’t really need in order to feel secure.

Something like the photo above (which I took off the Hoarders website I linked to in the last paragraph).

The scary thing is that parts of my house look like that. I feel like I’m divulging some great secret by admitting it, but there you go. I have mentioned in a previous post about how I sometimes have to do stuff bent over on the floor because there isn’t any free table OR chair space. It’s always been that way, so this isn’t really a surprise for people who know me.

Part of it is psychological. My parents often lacked basic necessities growing up, and it makes us cherish stuff we have way more than is healthy. We also think throwing it out would mean wasting money. Then there’s the niggling thought that we might use one of those thingamajigs lying around sometime in the next ten years or so.

Part of it is time. With the way the world seems to be turning faster and faster these days, there never seems to be enough time to eat and sleep, much less clean. My family also travels for work, so that chips off the time as well.

Part of it is just procrastination and fear. This is the way I’ve lived my whole life, and it’s difficult to change. I still remember giving away extra pens as a kindergartener (I had about 20 ballpens if you can believe that of a five-year-old) and then getting scolded because they still worked. Every time I get rid of things I don’t need, I have to block out the voices of the great hoarders I know in my life which leave me feeling guilty for wasting when others have so little.

But then last week, I just snapped. I got so sick of looking at all the stuff in my bedroom. I had wanted to read a good book, and slowly got frustrated because I couldn’t find anywhere to sit. The chairs (my sister and I have seating good for 9 or 10 people), the tables, and even the bed were covered in stuff. What threw me was when I realized the only place I could actually sit was on the toilet bowl in the bathroom.

Was keeping my life from changing and avoiding the mammoth clean-up task worth all this? I couldn’t even see my computer because I piled my stuff around it, so I’d taken to using an iPad instead. I actually fell in my closet a few weeks ago trying to pull out a blouse, and my sister had to pull me out. Funny, true, but in a very sad way.

I had so much stuff but they weren’t improving the quality of my life. In my own way, I felt like I was mocking people who are less fortunate since I’m surrounded by so much stuff other people could use but I pretty much leave there until the shelf life expires. For goodness sake, I buy duplicates of things because I’ve forgotten about the old ones.  I mean, I actually bought someone THREE Christmas gifts this year because I couldn’t find the first two.

My disgust with myself led me to take action. That is, action in baby steps since a series of small changes have always been more effective for me in the long run. I’ve been cleaning up bits and pieces of my room 15 minutes a day. I’ve got some open boxes where I stick in things to give away and things I really want to keep. So far, I’ve only kept a fourth of everything I’ve looked at.

I’m hoping as the room starts to get neater and more manageable, I’ll stop feeling like having a panic attack every time I enter it. And maybe when I’m not overwhelmed by so much stuff, I’ll be more focused on what really matters to me: following God, spending time with my family and friends, and playing my violin to name a few.

I’m thinking of putting those nightmare hoarder pictures in my wallet. Maybe looking at them when I feel like buying something I don’t really need will keep me from impulsive buying urges that will bring me back to this overwhelmed feeling again.

As Time Goes By

To borrow the title of one of my favorite songs (Does anyone else under 70 years of age know that scene in Casablanca where Lauren Bacall requests this song in that smoky bar?), time goes by really quickly these days though some things never change. In my case, what’s unchangeable is how I eventually go back to blogging no matter how busy life gets. It’s not about wanting other people to read my thoughts, really. It’s more about needing a space to be myself, where I can say random things while I’m chewing on different ideas I wouldn’t be comfortable about saying to other people. Not that the thoughts I spout here are extremely private; I’m too paranoid (and not naive enough) to post personal information in such an uncontrollable space as the internet.

There are just some things I couldn’t bring up in conversation with most people like an interesting passage I was reading on East Asian medieval life or an observation about how I think I’m becoming too materialistic these days. I mean, I could mention it but some of my thoughts often lead to awkward silences or politely disinterested glances. Many of my interests aren’t as interesting to the general public as they are to me, but that’s natural and I don’t blame them for it. I do have close friends who listen and give me some other things to think about, but there isn’t as much time as we’d like to talk about stuff like that. It’s an unfortunate effect of a world that’s getting smaller and busier at the same time. Everyone seems to be in such a hurry all the time; just scheduling sitting down to a cup of coffee with friends seems to take months these days.

That’s why I keep coming back to blogging to settle my thoughts and write down what I’m thinking from time to time. Blogging reminds me that there’s more to life than rushing around. It forces me to take a step back and look at myself like a specimen under a microscope. What am I really running around for? Is my time spent on what’s really important to me?

It makes me change my perspective, in a good way. That’s something I need, and that won’t change as time goes by.

Choked Up With My Words

I know I mentioned on my last post that I’d blog in more detail about my Japan trip. Then the tsunami happened. And I didn’t know what to say.

My emotions ranged from relief that I was no longer there to horror that such a thing could happen to my favorite country in such a huge scale. I’ve visited Japan every year for the last three or four years to enjoy the cherry blossom season. That tradition was obviously not continued this year.

There were so many things that I wanted to say that I just couldn’t say anything. Even now, it’s hard to describe what I felt knowing my Mom and I were supposed to be there when the tsunami happened. The only reason we weren’t there was because of a sudden change in schedule. Who knew such a little thing would make a difference?

Though I still can’t talk much about it, Japan continues to be in my prayers as they pick up the pieces. And one day in the foreseeable future, everything in that corner of the world will be all right again.

Changes

And I break my silence.

Lots of things have been changing in my life though I haven’t mentioned them. I graduated, worked, went to the US of A last June, came back, took classes to review what I’d learned in college, took the Chemical Engineering Licensure Exam, passed said exam (& became a bonafide chemical engineer with all the trappings), traveled around the country, and went to work full-time. In the midst of it, I cooked, baked, knitted, played my violin for a number of occasions, and learned to take real joy in such itty bitty details as what to wear and make-up. I made new friends and kept old ones while inevitably losing touch with a few. I became even closer to my already close-knit family, which I am very grateful for.

Oh, and I cut my hair “super-short” as my friends like to say.

Excepting my sister and my cousin, I shocked everyone.

So if anyone asks what’s been up with me, I refer you to the past few paragraphs.

I feel like my life just kept getting tweaked and pulled in multiple directions. Just when I felt I got the hang of things, something else would douse me like a bucket of cold water.

However, I seem to be entering a new phase of “normal” now and that reminded me of this blog.

So here I am once again. Hi, World. I’m back.